May Funk

The month of May was kind of crappy. I was in a funk and couldn't seem to get out of it. I think I cried every day in May over one thing or another. It started off with an annual exam. I had decided to try a new Dr because the one I had been going to didn’t seem to have much interest in me and never really had any answers for my medical questions. After some research on the web, I found a new Dr at the Polyclinic at Northgate who met my criteria. It is literally right next door to my condo so very convenient. She was cool and seemed to listen to me and she had answers for all my questions. She took particular interest when I told her about really heavy periods, break thru bleeding, and the fact that I get up 3 times a night to pee. When she did my pelvic exam, she told me she felt like my uterus was “heavy”. A heavy uterus could signify fibroid tumors - and recommended I have them checked out. She said they are almost never cancerous, but they do create havoc with periods and can cause other female issues.

Photo of a normal uterus to the left. Uterus with fibroids below.

She set me up with an ultrasound the following week and the lab tech confirmed that I do have fibroids. I have 5 that can be seen and measured. They range in size from 2-7 centimeters (7 cm = about 3 inches = the length of my index finger). Basically fibroids are masses of bloody tissue. They feed off blood so as long as my body is producing estrogen and I have periods, they will continue to grow. They cause excessive bleeding and menstrual pain, they cause break thru bleeding during the month, and they basically make me sterile. The end result is that I am going to need a hysterectomy to take out the uterus. So the crux of it is, I am never going to be able to have children of my own. Hearing this news made me really sad. Yes, I am 40 now and I already knew the ability to have my own children was already questionable, but I guess I was still living in a fantasy world that I might meet someone, fall in love, get married and have children. This was a cold bucket of icy water.

Since finding out, I have met with a gynecologist who specializes in female reproductive issues and who also does her own surgeries. She confirmed that the size and number of my fibroids meant that I wasn’t going to get pregnant even if I had good eggs and tried right now. The fibroids block the cervix so nothing is getting thru it. If a sperm should happen to make it thru, the chance of a miscarriage is high because the fibroids are taking up room in my uterus that a baby would need to grow. Plus the fibroids feed off the nutrients in the blood, thereby depriving a growing fetus of the nutrients it needs. On top of that, I need to stay on birth control to keep my periods under control! Yeah, getting pregnant is NOT happening here. My uterus is 7 times bigger than a normal one. The largest fibroid sits on my bladder like a rock and this is the reason I have to pee all the time. The ironic thing is that the fibroids are so big that it’s equivalent to being 4 months pregnant. So not only am I sad about never having children, but I feel completely fat, gross, defective and old.

OK, I know you are thinking I am feeling sorry for myself. I am. I admit it. Deep down I know there are other ways to have a family and I know that I have options. Realistically, it's not the end of the world. Still, I have been sad and I can’t shake it. I think a lot of it has to do with the reality that I am not where I thought I would be at 40. I never imagined I would be single at this age. I never imagined that I would not have kids by now. I feel like I missed out on a lot of years, perhaps wasted time, or made bad decisions? I don't know. I do know this... I am NOT trying to be a single mom right now. I have never wanted that life. I know how hard it can be, and I don't think I would be the best mom I could be in that situation. I only want a family when it's right for me and my future partner. So I need to move on with my decision to have a surgery and get a hysterectomy.

There are some other sad things that are happening too so it adds to my overall funk. Some of my friends are dealing with tragedies beyond comprehension right now. Their troubles overshadow my personal stuff so I have that perspective in line. But it also makes it harder to be positive right now.

In the end, I think I will get over it soon enough. At least I am not dying right? I simply have to have a surgery and I’ll feel better internally.